Keeping a level head with my autistic daughter can be hard. She brings unpredictability and confusion to my daily dance floor and if I’m tired or preoccupied with my own agenda she can easily spin me around like a rag doll and then I quickly loose my objectivity and fall.

I started this post a few months ago with charcoal sketches I drew of her after one “rough morning”. I know I was proud of myself for slowing down after the hard emotions left to try and capture the confusing feelings I saw in her and felt in me, which I think was healing for both of us.  But, now looking back on the images I honestly can’t remember the facts of this sad morning.  What exactly happened?  Why did I feel so overwhelmed that I lost my cool?

I know that when I’m caught off guard I can feel defensive, vulnerable and plead to the universe, “Get me out of here!!”  “Why is this happening to me?” …a pity party gathers….. “Why do I have to have the LOW-functioning autistic child? I’m a hostage in my own house! My life is going no where! or, I don’t have a life of my own.”

Because I don’t remember that morning’s specifics it makes me wonder what could I do to be more mindful in the straining moments before?

I know it must be several factors that line up just right to help me be wiser then the anger.

Parenting a low-functioning child can feel surreal and daunting. To me it’s like a life-long marathon and if I don’t stay fit enough I’ll be regularly heaving on the side of the road watching the other runners fly by me. I’m not a competitive athlete at all, but I do run and have felt that desire to finish a race and possibly pass a few runners along the route.  The only way to even have a chance to move forward with all the demands autism throws at me, I know I need to have an emotional game plan and solid base of strength.

I am very interested in understanding and helping my daughter and  I  know I’m not willing to be defeated by her disability. I’m not going to let it run me down. I want to be resilient, to flourish for her, for my husband, for my family and for myself. If I don’t strive to have a clear mind and spirit, life can appear dismal.

To me it seems to boil down to being selfish in a productive healthy way, heavy duty self-care has to be in this daily mix. Here’s where it becomes a personal choice on what self-care is to you. For me it’s always evolving around staying close to my artistic process of making art and writing, then regularly staying active by running, swimming, yoga and being out in nature. With these parts regularly in place I’m happier, feel re-fueled, and the stressers are blurred some or completely erased. These mental, emotional and physical activities keep me in the moment, so I don’t think too far into the unknown future where I have no control.

When I return now to the kitchen where are wills collided I do remember observing in her an uneasy with with being around me, this was heartbreaking to sense because autism can make togetherness so fleeting I don’t want to cause distance. I know the act of drawing her was one way I attempted to make up with her, re-connect, find our normal again.

Emotions are always going to take hold no matter how well we take care of ourselves, so I need to trust that I can practice stepping aside instead of gripping onto them will help preserve the delicate bond between us.